Andainya
Sunday, April 29, 2007it is always..always..ALWAYS to Zan's and Rith's amusement that i like Alleycats.
im forever singing their songs while on the phone.
so as a favour, one of the two switch on their dad's handphone JUST TO LET ME HEAR ALLEYCATS.
=)=)
and the grp? zaman my nenek was still a young girl i think? haha.
so i remember one convo.
"eh eh alleycats dah meninggal kan?" - me
"huh?? takde lah!!"
"kau biar benar??" - me
"jap eh... IBU!! ALLEYCATS NYER ORANG MASEH ADER KAAAN???"
"apesal??" - the mother.
"takder kawan cakap takder! dorang maseh hidup kaaaaaaaaaan??"
"a'ah laa"- the mother.
ok so so so random. but i learn sumting new. alleycats stillalive. hahahahhahaha.
nenek is in hospital. wanted to go visit but a strict NO frm the parentals straighten that out.
nek, nek cepat2 lah kluar hospital.. nanti baby belanjer nenek ok? pagi2 kiter makan mcdonalds nak? lpas baby teman nek gi pasar macam dulu. kan best? tapi nek janji, jgn suruh baby pegang ikan lagi!
its been ages since i last saw her. ahah. i remember the tie, i was staying at Bedok. accompanied my grandmother to the wet market in the morning. me being the town gerl, didnt like it one bit. bih i was forced to touch a fish. i have no idea wad fish but it was a dead fish with mouth gaping open and the eyes so the eeeeeeew. but as an award, i got to buy mcdonalds for breakfast. =)
midyear is coming soon. guess what, i have yet to pick adik's brains for tips. nevermind, let's hope i can pick Heera's or Liy's in the meantime.
BMC maths was...haha... i learn more things in an hour then i learnt in a week during school. i now noe the difference between shear and stretch. haha. how pathetic.
somethhing random : adik bought for me a thermal top from f21. because im sick. and she felt guilty for not being w me ker aper so she bought for me. how sweet?
Withlove,
6:12 PM
i never actually believed
Friday, April 27, 2007just hung up the phone.
ages since i last talked to Rith.
apparently, orang tu upset ah i never go nightstudy smlm. PADEHAL THE PREVIOUS NIGHTSTUDIES he never go bih i tak cakap anything. unfair betol eh kau?
i think something is wrong with my ear now.. my left ear. it aches and aches.. haha so no phone for me later tonight.
tomorrow is Mendaki MATHS test. haiyah...........
i aim for a pass jek this time.
psl i have never passed before in my whole life seh for mendaki.
hahah.
ok my ear aches like fcuk. ok dah bye i want to.. i want to.. nvm.
Withlove,
9:35 PM
aaaah!
Thursday, April 26, 2007hahaha i miss blogging!!
okays okays breatheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
done!
imissthecyberworld lah helloooooo
Lina, tell me, how many decades has it been since we last chat??
gahness lah u..
apparently, the whole school has an outbreak of infections. infections of the throat, lungs,windpipes and urh everything lah.
ok blog more when there's time!
off to bloghop to my favourite people's blogssssss~
korangkorang kalau tak update kan, mmng nak kener taaaau.
ok im so happy just to go online. haha.
shit mia's yelling.
her favourite for this week : BABY MAKAN UBAT!!!!!
gah.
~
and i took a step back. and review who exactly are my friends. guess what's the answer. because i didnt noe asking for help was called lording someone around right now. didn't realise that time now has changed. mintak tolong kawan dgr2 treat kwn mcm sochai per skg. wahahahahha. takper, as someone out there said : saper yg makan chilli, teraser lah pedasnye..
because i didn't write names did i on the previous post?
no wait. if i gadoh with someone, i wont put their names on my blog. coz somehow, i still think that they deserve SOME kind of respect. but apparently they dun appreciate it. so ok, next time, full names shall be published.
Withlove,
5:44 PM
fcukshit
Monday, April 23, 2007noe what irritates me the most?
when i'm in school, my friend's handohone is never far from their hands. never far. the whole day would be them msging nonstop. nonstop.
so i didnt come to school today.
(confrm lpas nie ppl tag aku ckp they miss me padehal they didnt noe until they read this post. and since i ald type this, they would not bother tagging psl they noe its true. howdy har har har)
i messaged,asking for help to pass me the homeowrk for today.
no reply.
so i ignored, thinking it wouldbe at the end of the day.
apparently not.
kirekan, msg jantan boleh, msg member 5cent pun takleh?
ah chibai.
im already in a cranky mood.
see me in school next week lah eh.
and its ok.
i shall message others and see if they r willing to help a friend in need.
and, ive been having this "illness" eversince the day i fainted in school. just that it got worse on THURSDAY! and deeyan, you met me on SATURDAY. so how can it be that u've been having fever for the past three days? it's only the third day today. whatever lah ehh. next time i wont go mendaki with u or get near u if im sick. contacts between us would only be thru the net or sms nxt time ok.
wahaha most people sick after speech day. Izan called me up to tell me that most ppl sick and we both said at the same time "psl speech day!" except that she said "speech day virus" and i CROACKED my words out. oooh oooh oooh guess wad!!
hikmah starting soon. i'm trying to not off the tv.
im so hungry, i could faint. but i cant eat. fcuk ok. no food says down my stomach. fcuk. my mum had to feed me my medicine just now, i couldnt move.
Withlove,
7:39 PM
i'm all smiles
Thursday, April 19, 2007now i'm happy.
Fasha lost her "jealousy" chromosomes.
i've lost something bigger.
but it's ok.
got the shock of my life when dearest POA teacher called my handphone. i forgot i gave her my number during Community Day. as the leader of four hyperactive monyets, i was given the task to control and give out the tasks, so my number ah she take. haha.
note to self: Remind Rokiah, no recess tomorrow, instead, more homework.
zan called me early morning so that i could go to school with her. she laughed hearing my voice. guess what? so did her dad. shucks.
so i'm going to be slaughtered tomorrow. i didn't go for my f&n and supposed to hand it in by... *gulp* a week ago? haha.
let's pray either i die first or the HER. haha.
naughty,naughty shab. haha.
tomorrow Speech Day. sending Liy home tomorrow after school, fetching her and sending her home again tomorrow night. no harm would come to her, hopefully. if any does, they'll have to get thru to me first and i will fight tooth and nail to protect her.
aper tak, pakwe dier dah warning warning. =)
hahah. her pakwe sent me a message to pass to her. betul punyer WAH. haha. sweet seh. Liy, untung kau. and guess what, pasal miss d tu kau lek.
went to Lib without mia's knowledge. but i think she suspected already. but whatever.like adik said, "irrational instructions........what more do you want from me?"
haha. guess what, someone sucks, like big time. ader ker patut, ego besar giler nak mampat? DAH SALAH TU NGAKU SALAH! gah.
and this post is oh-so-random. but what the hell. tunggu manusia habis blog, lama sia.
6 minutes to the 20th.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY RAHMAT!
old siak kau.
hahaha dah too late ah but still, happy returns for the day.
Withlove,
11:54 PM
Day 2
this is the second day already that he's ignoring and avoiding me.
if the reason is like what it was the last time, i shall officially let go.
the reason is not valid, at all. it's just an excuse, a sad and pathetic excuse which shall not and will not be entertained.
i will know that you are using it as an excuse and shall thus draw a conclusion that you desperately want to be away from me to pursue your own...interests and do not want me to be in the way.
i shall accept the reasons and i shall be strong. because i do not see the point in holding on when the other party is so desperately wanting to get away.
rest assured, you can celebrate after this.
Withlove,
7:52 PM
hurt
Wednesday, April 18, 2007i am so hurt, it's unbelivable.
i view it as a betrayal. a betrayal of my trust.
those who knows me well realises that i do NOT trust easily. i might seem to be trusting but i'm not. i don't. i'm very stingy.
it was you who i thought i could trsut and bring me back to sanity when i was lost in the sea and during my emotional struggles. i trusted u. we grew closer and closer. and i trusted.
somehow, that trust seems to be misplaced.
someone told me not to make it into a big matter, but don't you realise?
the person already said the matter shouldn't be divulged since a promise has already been made. but end of the day? i feel exposed.
like dirty knickers hanging out on the laundry line, for all to see.
how can i trust you right now?
we hurt the ones we love. but how can we, if we even love the person in the first place?
somehow, the answer seems to be dodging me BUT the proof of the sentence hits me square in my face every single time.
fcuk f&n, fcuk POA. i have POA lessons during and after school every single day except for tomorrow. i want to hurt something, somebody so badly it sometimes terrifies the shit out of me. i am capable of inflicting harm and i do not wan history to repeat itself.
the nightmares are not stopping. i woke up, out of breath, EVERY SINGLE FCUKING TIME. baby gets concerned and he tries to comfort me but at times, im inconsolable.
its no wonder isn't it, with my life as fcuked as this is?
note to those who noes about miss d :
BAWAK TURON SATU BANDAR KALAU DIER NAK BAWAK TURUN SATU KAMPUNG!
Withlove,
10:40 PM
so much so
Monday, April 16, 2007so much for hiatus.
i'm soooo upset.
"shats" happen.
homework piling up.
stress level definitely mounting.
whats more with my emotionally unstable mind right now.
my mind is going to snap soon. like very soon.
mengucap sayang mengucap.
i hate nightmares. i have one now, it's recurring. and it hurts.
every single time.
wtf. i shall pray it won't hurt and will fade in time.
not more can i do anymore.
Withlove,
11:20 PM
let's play pretend
Sunday, April 15, 2007To Shariffa,
nobody likes it if we were to be ourselves (emo). nobody likes it if we were sad or down. nobody. but if we are strong, we would be known as bitch.
but if we are strong, we are known as neglecting those dear to us.
coz when we are strong, we push people away, not wanting them to know we are weak inside.
because when we are strong, we prove to them.
and again, nobody likes it.
so we ask them, do you want us to be strong or weak?
and the answer is always in a muddle. and the answer is always unsure, unclear and indecisive.
this is where, i turn to u and vice versa. this is where we smile to each other and go,
LET'S PLAY PRETEND
for we love too much to not care. for we feel too much to not be indifferent. and thus, a facade will be created. we will live a farce. and everybody will thus be satisfied. their thirst for us to follow their ways will be quenched.
~
To Liy,
sayang kau. kau tahu,pasal kau, si berok tu kener pekik ngan aku?
=)
ampun beribu kali ampun kerana memarahi pakwe kamu yaaaaaaa.... sayang pakwe, jangan luper kawan. sayang kawan, jgn luper pakwe. bagikan lah mase cik kak oii... and FYI, bilang Ihsan, KAK SHAB YANG PALING JAMBU, KALAU DIER TANYER LAGI SAPER, SEPAK TU BUDAK KECIK! hmph.
=)
~
To My Own,
i undur diri. from everything. you've always wanted me to be strong.
~
hiatus. till further notice. it's time i care for myself and not others. i need to wake up at 5 every single morning. so please let me be every night so i can rest. my handphone and homephone will be far away from me. very far, it won't even be switched on.
Eggplant is well now, Alhamdullilah. back in touch with Lina, Alhamdullilah.
Withlove,
9:30 PM
dreams
dreams exist to spur us on.
dreams exist to give us hope.
dreams can NOT end. it must not.
and it shall not.
with every door that closes, another opens.
it's our choice nak look for it or not.
fcuk miss d whoever the fcuk u are for bringin Liy down.
fcuk u for wanting her life to be a leaving hell.
and BLESS U. for proving to the world, what a messedup life u lead, for proving to the world what a shallow and incosiderate life u lead, for proving that there are those who deserves to burn and perish in the flames of hell.
i shall not say more else i get too enraged.
~
i gave up. i returned, full of hope.
i gave up yet again. and return once again, full of undying hope.
and now i give up.
not knowing anything.
i believed you. i believed that it is in you that i harbour all my deepest,darkest secrets. in you that i believed in. in you that i anchor myself to. in you that i trust and love and hold in high regard.
but now? it is in you still that i anchor myself to. to whom i harbour all my deepest,darkest secrets. in you that i believed in.
and in you that i hold in high regard.
for i no longer am certain if it's you i can trust to not break my love, to not throw away my love, to basically keep me sheltered from life's ugliness. it's selfish for me to want this, for me to ask this of you and for me to even THINK about this.
but i have to know the answer.
it is now not known why i still continue to want.
because.. not even a vestige is left of what was once us.
because.. i now know, that you can take away everything, with a single word, a single breath. i now know how.. belittle i can feel with those very words you utter. how different at the end of the day we are.
with those words you utter, everything came crashing down.
but still, i clutch at straws. not believing that it was truly you who spoke those words.
and now, i still clutch at straws. not believing that it is truly you who is with me because of love, and not because of pity nor for fear of my violent reaction.
and it is straws that i will continue clutching and scrambling for. in my effort to win the truth.
nothing. nothing but the horrible truth.
let the beast rear it's hungry,angry head.
for i am a mere mortal in it's presence.
~
p.s: i miss you too chiqa!
p.p.s: designing a blogskin. prolly doing a fasha and moving my blog to blogdrive instead.
p.p.s: it's 15th of April. the 13th has passed, and apparently i'm still alive.
p.p.p.s: Shariffa!! Harith!! haha thanks for caring.
Withlove,
12:23 AM
bed of roses
Thursday, April 12, 2007while typing this, i'm trying to control my feelings.
mengucap sayang mengucap.
ok dah.
life is not going to plan, at all.
so everything has ended, right?
right.
ok done. i'm fighting all impulse in me to run and cry and hide. fight fight fight.
someone, it seems like i'm fighting a losing battle.
but it's ok. there's still hope while there's still breath in my body. the clock's ticking. i'm counting down the hours. only God knows whether the ending would be happy or sad.
i can't give up, i won't give up. but sadly, the choice is not mine. it's never mine in the first place.
~
and for those who witnessed what happened in school today, please please please don't ask me why it happened.
end.
i hate being paired up with Famie for F&N. she seems to be doing everything that i'm supposed to be doing. like wtf. i feel guilty like giler like babi.
ok i want to end now. Shariffa is chatting with me.
she really ah.. haha can make me laugh like nobody's business and cair also. HAHA. it's official. if i'm a lesbian, i would either take Lina,Iffah,Rogue or Heera.
and oh guess what? we are encouraging each other, to eat and stay healthy. =)
a big thank you to Nur Ainina binte Abdul Sukor, Saheera Md Razeek, Cikgu Yati and others. Thanks for helping me just now and please don't be mad at me for choosing to continue to be in school and going for the night0study session. thanks to Nina and Heera especially for carrying me. hahaha. i'm no lightweight, i know.
=)
nightstudy just now was...funny. Azmi rolled his eyes more times than he spoke to me. and guess what? i went to Farhan, confident ah nak ajar because he asked me a question.
"k kau dengar eh.. gini kau pakai nie formula lah eh. bih kau dapat ape? ah tu. bih kaaaaaaaaaaaan...."
"shab, aku dah lamer paham shab" - farhan.
and faizal burst out laughing like nobody's business and there i was, blushing pasal malu giler babi.
*today is the 12th. tomorrow would be the 13th. the 13th. and this mental torture would never cease.
[taggy]
lena : hello lenaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~
Iylia : haha hello. aper nie bang bang??
Harith : tu ah gatal kan orang ajak tak nak datang? pemalas betol kau. hahaha aper nie bual pasal band 1 ah???
Rogue : hahahahah yeay! haha i tag u back aite?
Shariffa: alahai u care about me......... ahhahaha touched lah! hahahaha. yeah im fine now. thanks for asking!
Izan : haha yay! hahaha ok i tag u back soon k?
Lena: hahahaha dah gi. ok merapek sak namer.
Izan: ahha i was? sorry didnt really realised. maaf maaf k shab giler giler ok?
Lena : hahaha style per... hahahahhahaha....
Withlove,
11:03 PM
Hikmah
Monday, April 09, 2007i'm irritated with Hikmah.
like really.
it wasn't like last season's. at all. take the character Eva for example. IN ALL EPISODES, she is either crying or plotting something evil or even both.
like, how screwed up can u get before u can't stand even yourself?
maybe she's testing her limits.
ah whatever.
woke up early this morning. dad refusing to send me to school now. oh well, i'd make do somehow. after school, headed to Banquet teman-ed Mat makan. me n zan was talking while Harith was luffing at Rahmat.. then we walked around and tahan-ed some people while they go look at T-O-Y-S!!!
then go lib. wahah. did our work then ok lah. headed to H.C then 888 thn home. Mat was in a foul mood cause of something lah eh.
ok i'm tired.
it's not everyday i wake up at 5am after sleeping at 1 am. haha. ok shit i really need to sleep but there's tons more to be done.
misunderstandings..
why do they occur?
basically and pathetically it comes from miscommunication.
it's when one party doesn't bother or the other bothers too much.
boredom.
it doesn't come frm being together physically for a long time,
it comes from being apart mentally and emotionally.
hah the boredom thing is a quote. the misunderstandings is pandai2 sebat.
hahahaha.
im in deep shit. tomorrow will be another tiring day and and and i have yet to do my fcuking development. fcuk ok fcuk.
dah lah. please don't msg me, just call my hp straight. i won't bother replying msgs nowadays.
i love i love i love. i hurt i hurt i hurt.
why can't everybody just be gay and and and not have any misunderstandings and and and all loving each other *in a p.ramlee show's voice* fcuk lah. i want to be a lesbian sial.
[EDITED]
know what's stupid??
ARMAN is stupid. fcuk eva lah eh.
Withlove,
11:00 PM
happy happy dim sum! eat them while they're hot!
Saturday, April 07, 2007oh-so-random title.
the post is gonna be random, really.
so according to mother, Rahmat has become one of my numerous boyfriends.
like hello?
i only have one n i setie giler babi n i sayang giler babi okays??
but whatever. something so simple won't ever get into your head.
so kakak spending like alot alot alot today. was wondering why then i realised,
"kak, kak baru dapat gaji?"
"ape kakak! mak pun samer!!"
i turned to mia,
"mia u get ur pay already never tell me seh!!"
"ok what u want?"
"that shirt kat bawah tu. tu jek."
and i got it. =)
wondering when jek i can wear pasal i don't really go out that often anymore unless with family.
i miss miss miss miss school. like really.
and sorry banget to Izan, Nina n Mat. hahaha. i had to go off abruptly and it was sooooooooo not a choice i have. sorry sorry. so hahah next time, remind me not to answer my phone if it's my mother!!
so i can't wait to study. really really. aku nak blajar giler. i have been reading my physics. (which reminds me, i misplaced Liy's notes and she will kill me) i have been reading my history txtbook for lgiht-reading before going to sleep. i have been doing calculating for the family when we go out to shop. Insya-Allah i can make it.
in the middle of CWP just now, i got so fed-up with my mother.
"Ya Allah ibu! satu hari tak tuduh i tak boleh ker bu? satu hari bu tanyer i betol2 instead of sebat jek boleh kan? Ya Allah...."
and i cried.
she was shocked. never have i called her Ibu before and never have i sounded desperate.
done. pictures are up at multiply. today's pic going up soon.
http://druggedfantasies.multiply.com
Labels: oh so random
Withlove,
9:47 PM
you make me happy
Friday, April 06, 2007
i want you to know,
you make me happy..
i want you to know,
you make me happy..
i feel blessed to know such people in my life. really.
such people who makes me happy,
such people who make me scream with laughter instead of frustration.
i love you all.
today, 6 April 2007, Good Friday, Mia's bdae celebrations.
pictures will be up tomorrow.
i think-
woke up in the morning. went back to sleep. woke up to a knock on the door. then blahblahblah. bought OREO CHOCLATE CAKE. lotsa food there. lotsa drinks. haha. food haven i tell u.
played scrabble, sudoku, did my physics revision and and played around. took lodsa pictures too. guess what?
abah went to solat jumaat while the grls stayed behind to get everything going.
orang lain use 2 max. fire starters to start the BBQ going.
us?
we used 5.
=)
there was a total of 3 lighters but the fire-starters refuse to start! i took the lighter and it lighted up, instantaneously. guess what? it made my mum firmly believe that i smoke. hai whatever.
so it went out. i broke the fire-starter and took a satay stick and poke it thru. i lighted the stick instead and let it spread upwards while from above, i lighted the other end of the stick. so voila!
it started.
=)=)=)
i am tired.
monday i end school at 5.30pm.
tuesday i end school early then go back for nightstudy till 9.30pm.
wednesday i end school at 4.30 pm then i have tuition at 7.30pm-9.30pm.
thursday i end school at 4.30pm then go back for nightstudy till 9.30pm.
friday i end school at 3.30pm.
saturday morning i have tuition till 12.30pm.
sunday morning i have tuition till 12pm.
fcuk. if i can't pass my MYE, i shall... i shall... i shall kill myself lah!
hahahahahahah over sak shab.
~
7 more days, insya-Allah.
Withlove,
8:20 PM
what the hell
Wednesday, April 04, 2007Chiqa : apesal disaster??
Harith : apesal nak teraser nie?? aku diss tu sucko per...bukan kau... =)
~
kakak was on the phone. and she blatantly lied to the person on the phone.
the end of the convo was this,
kak : ok byeee *sweet voice*
after hanging up,
kak : chibai sak
hypocrital? fcuk, it's in everyone nowadays.
i have happyhappyhappy news for myself. =)
I DID WELL FOR MY MATHS TEST!!!!! FOR ONCE IN MY UPPER SECONDARY LIFE!!
i think i scored the same marks as Harith and Iylia... hmm... but hahahahha it's thanks to Iylia mostly that i managed to improve my maths.. i did the worksheet he went thru with me THREE TIMES ok???
but it paid off. =) i'm 6 marks below the highest scorer in my class. HAHAHA.
~
went to school, found out a news that reduced me to tears, had maths peer tutoring, kutuking session with mr soong, home, bathed, salin baju and RAN to hard court with nina. met up with Rith and Mat. with Aizat and Hafriz who came along after us. so took the bus to Admiralty McD's with Mat n Nina. ate, we went to tuition while Mat went to the library. the science teacher was... irritating. in terms of.. him being full of tricky giler babi questions. he managed to confuse all of us efficiently. and there's this grl in class, she finished the whole fcuking syllabus. fcuk, cepat sak. gah gah gah.
so class ended 30 mins late. no no 20 minutes late. then Mat came all the way back to Admiralty. then i teman-ed him to the supermarket for his batteries and we headed home. singgah-ing bubble tea shop at CWP first. in the bus was farnie....=)
his neighbour was beside me and i went :JIRAN KAU EHH????
hahahaha if looks could kill, i would be dead by then.
=)=)
~
i miss watching The Dance Floor thanks to tuition. oh what the fcuk. it's for my own good.
god how i hate that line now.
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD??
fcuk u, u just dun understand. u think it will work u think it's for her own good but no its not. u r comprromising the happiness of several people just to gain ur own. if that isn't selfish, i have no idea what else is. cause nothing else can beat what your doing, hands down. you suck. like big big big time. gah. i'm so angry, so so so angry.
~
the message was supposed to get across.
to you, and only you.
but it doesn't register.
don't get me wrong, it registered.
but into everyone's brain except for yours.
i'm trying my best to not care.
to not feel like killing us.
but what the fcuk correct.
Withlove,
11:02 PM
non-stop luffter!
Sunday, April 01, 2007i know my cure for the month's depression!
talk on the phone with a particular sucko.
=)
nonstop hits sak kekek!!
lesson learnt : if you someone want to gossip about your own mother, do not do it where she can hear!!!!!
and and and.
do not try to educate your younger sister on viruses. she won't layan.
=)
=)
inside stuff but still it was hilarious at that point of time. i laughed till i cried.
then we watched The Time Machine at the same time and only I could watch and talk at the same time. orang tu takle multi task langsung!
hahahhaah. i can be a tv bum tau because of this.
mentang2 dier makan minum tido tngok tv.
~
went to Maulidur Rasul today at An-Nur's. sat near the back with Liy, Ibu and Liy's Aunt. i shared the book with her. guess wad? everybody else was crying and there we were, convulsing with laughter.
=)
her family car is HUGE i tell u. Faiz at the back lepak seh when yusri went out...
withlove,
Liyana & Shab
[taggy]
Rogue: haha changing the skin soon, bear with it for the moment.
Liyana: hahah you are just plain weird waaaaad. so why not correct?
Lina: alamak i rindu u sia. cepat2 end ur attachment pleaseeeeeeeee!!
Harith : YES?
Atikah: hahaha it's ok Chiqa. mwahmwhamwah. hopefully you would have a gooooood birthday for the year ehhh?
Shariffa: hey. i didn't do anything kaaaaaan! i only listened and kpo2 bual, you made the choice per. =) hahaha but glad i was able to be of some help. <3 u!
Labels: Maulidur Rasul
Withlove,
1:41 PM