Dealova - Dewa
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
And this is to you.Aku ingin menjadi mimpi indah dalam tidurmu
Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg mungkin bisa kau rindu
karena langkah merapuh tanpa dirimu
oh karena hati tlah letih
Aku ingin menjadi sesuatu yg selalu bisa kau sentuh
Aku ingin kau tahu bahwa ku selalu memujamu
Tanpamu sepinya waktu merantai hati
Oh bayangmu seakan-akan
reff: Kau seperti nyanyian dalam hatiku
Yang memanggil rinduku padamu
Seperti udara yg ku hela kau selalu ada
Hanya dirimu yg bisa membuatku tenang
Tanpa dirimu aku merasa hilang
Dan sepi, dan sepi
repeat reff [2x]
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
Selalu ada, kau selalu ada
without a doubt.
don't ever dare to doubt ME.
Withlove,
10:02 PM
moved
Thursday, June 14, 2007
my last entry before i shut this blog for good.
i've moved to my newl url.
reasons known only to me.
~
i hung up the phone. i continued writing on the paper. i continued until my parens woke up for Subuh. i tore the paper up. nothing seemed right somehow. the words didnt fit, the sound of the words were like a chainsaw.. even the taste was like puke. i wrote n wrote n cried n cried. i cried until i couldn't see, until the whole paper was wet. i tore it up again. then i realised, that was the 5th time i tore up 4 pages worth of words.
it was wrong. everything was wrong. every single thing was wrong. i can't explain it but the deep feeling of foreboding was there. i logged into msn. Chiqa came online. my hand was still on the paper, the pen gripped tightly. i talked to her and she gave me a certain piece of news.
i cried. i cried so hard i could only gasp for breath in between. every single thing came crashing down onto me. the pressure.. oh the pressure... i shut down. my system shut down.
i woke up. to people crowding me. then a question was asked. it felt like cold water was trickling down my back. i point-blank refused. it hurt me to say those words. hurt me to refuse what i so dearly wanted. but i had no choice. got ready. made a last phonecall. and then i headed out.
i realise something. Adik never cries. never. no matter what happened, she never cries. even when she got hit by a car and broke her leg, she didn't cry. even when she got disappointing news, she never cries. never.
*lesson to learn*
i went home alone, in a daze. a song came onto my mp3. n i didn't noe to laugh or to cry. i dropped down at Jurong. i saw IMM. every single word, every single touch, every single whisper, every single thought went into my head. i cried out in pain. my head was killing me.
to avoid causing a scene, i clamped my mouth hard and bit my tongue. i clenched my fists and looked down all the way. from jurong to woodlands.
dropped off. i walked down to the interchange. but my feet brought me down and back up the opposite escalator. the way that i walked so many times before with........
i walked and i walked. people waled past me, laughing without a care or walked past me, forehead crinkled in a frown, thinking of what the day had dished out to them. i walked and i walked. i reached the bridge. i ran up *a first time for me* and i ran, until the top. i stood and stared and look around me. i couldnt leave the bridge! but my phone beeped. i trudged home slowly in the drizzle. from my house busstop till my lift, i walked and it took me nearly 45 minutes. i walked on.
i reached into my bag for my keys. and everything came up bloody. nonchalantly, i inserted the key and turned. ignoring the sharp pain i felt on my palm. apparently, i clenched my fist too hard. i put my bag down. and the true enormity of what has happened earlier this morning hit me.
i feel to my knees and wept. and i cried like i never did before. i keened i screamed i wailed i shout i whisper i did everything in my anguish. then panic gripped me. panic gripped me like never before. i did what i could to clean up my hand and then i called. one by one. one by one no phone was answered. until Izan's n Iffa's. zan was busy n i dialled iffa. she was shocked to hear the state that i was in. i could barely talked thru my tears. i could barely understand myself!
then i came online. and i talked to her while i'm updating. and she went for her prayers while i continue. Iylia called me up. so did Harith. then Chiqa.
and i'm done.
with every single thing.
with every single word.
with every single breath.
with every single whisper.
yes i am angsty. whoever said that i wasn't?
yes i seem to be depressed. whoever said i was or wasn't?
enough. enough tears.
i've moved.
Withlove,
7:58 PM
i'm in love
Monday, June 11, 2007
i'm in love =)
hearts are flying right in front of my eyes
i can't believe this is happening all over again
never could i imagine that i could feel this way again.
thank you for making this happen.
i love my bantal laaa!
u see, my bantal koyak-ed the other day. so i wait for my mia to jahit. bih longlonglong time. so now dah! wheeee. i think im falling in love all over again with my bantal!
(despite several ppl saying its very busyuk)
~
"shabshabshab i love u i wanna eat first ok?"
W/O ME SAYING ANYTHING, the msg popped up when i log in my msn. i laughed like nonstop like cackling giler babi.
so that was the start of a totally hilarious conversation. totally at odds with whatever that has been said about "not knowing how to talk" or what crap.
~
so its school tomorrow. i have yet to move to my new blog. oh shucks. my brains are very dead. and guess what? i am very hungry n tired n guess wad?
i feeeeeeeel very lethargic. i want to see eva dead. blardy hikmah. gah.
ok. continuation of Hikmah n convo.
Withlove,
10:46 PM
it sucks
Friday, June 08, 2007
that when these crap happens,
we feel the guilt
we take the blame
we suffer
our conscience kill us
our conscience literally kill us.
assuage with guilt, we drown in the silence of our own mistakes and fears, practically wallowing in whatever self-pity we can milk from ourselves. because there's only ourselves for support and compassion. and only ourselves who knows the true enorminity and the pain we inflict on others, either purposely or not. but it doesn't matter what WE believe.
what matter is what others believe. it takes two to clap. and no matter how much we try to push it from our minds, no matter how hard we try to feign ignorance on what people are saying behind our backs, it's hard. sooner or later, it will definitely erode the wall of faith we have around ourselves.
and it sucks.
no its not your fault for failing to understand. its not ur fault at all because.. he didn't bother to make you understand.. it's not ur fault because he didnt give a single fcuk what u think. but it is also ur fault, for not wanting to noe. however, if u ask, he will get defensive n upset n very very rude and all. and the blame falls back on our shoulders. what do we do? blame ourselves.
fcuk.
~ random rantings in which only for me to understand~
and thanks bang for reading my blog daily. haha, haven't been updating kaaaaaaaaan?
haha.
i'm scared for what's to come. it won't be in my favour, i can feel it in my heart. and it's my fault (just proved my points from above kan) and i know. i'm scared. i'm trying to distract myself from thinking but it's hard. whenever my thoughts stray into that dangerous direction, shivers wreck my frame and cold sweat break out. but there's naught that i can do.
naught.
Withlove,
10:22 PM
whatever tomorrow brings
so i'm trying to find alot alot alot of songs.
summer love by Justin Timberlake
and...
never again ke aper by Kelly Clarkson...
umbrella by Rihanna...
=)
and to all.
i'm moving to my new blog as soooooon as i can think of a new url. the current new one im having is not... as nice as i would like it to be..
i can't wait for the next 4 days to fly pass. i want the 5th day to come as soon as possible.
but at the same time, i'm dreading it.
i was never good at facing up at truths.
i was never good.
but i shall have to. the choice is not mine.
HEERA. DAH UPDATE DAH.
DANIAL : HAHAH HELLO
HARITH, JGN MARAH AHHHHH AKU BUEY KAU.. EHEHEHHEHEHHEHEHEHEHEHEH *SMILE WIDE WIDE WIDE*
it couold never be the same but im wiling because i know what is truly at stake.
Withlove,
9:22 PM
look what you've done
Friday, June 01, 2007
so haha. whats the point in pretending things are normal?
so things have ended between me and Hakim.
=)
all my fault, i admit.
i was too..haha... [insert horrible adjectives here]...
soooooo haha.
no regrets being with him lah.
the sweetest alive and definitely the best.
i won't lie and say i don't still love him but haha. he won't like it.
hennyways,
thanks to my friends for trying to bring me up:
LTG, thanks, korang lah yang slalu tahan kegilaan aku.
Shariffa, eh babe, bila mau makan bnyk2 ngn aku bih throw up every single thing mcm orang anorexic?? hahaha.
Harith, haha. kau selenge. se-selenge kau pun, tetap buat aku kekek eh.. mcm... SEMUAH orang =)
Iylia, thanks. for being there for me every single time i need u and when i dun! hhaha. your words are really meaningful but only time will tell how i'll be.
CHIQA!! haha. thanks for telling me to be strong. and im sooo sorry my english dropped like f until i cant really help. haha blame the malay olvls. =)
others, thanks for everything and for being there for me. without u guys, i would have gone on a self-destructive pattern somehow. i owe u guys all something. thank u once again. =)=)
To Muhammad Noor Hakim b Abdul Salam,
i will ace my olvls if that's the last thing i do. because i promised u i would. and baby, i know you will prolly go bonkers should i say this openly but whatthehell. i love u still and i know its useless to continue hoping when u've already declared it, but i still have hope. u promised me some things before and u have always, ALWAYS, stood by me and ur words to me. never have u shirk ur responsibilities. its high time that i repay u for every single beautiful things you've done for me. i'm sorry things have to end up this way but it has ended and i won't hold u to ur last promise.
and baby, i have never been the best or an exemplary girlfriend to u but i just want u to noe that u have always been the best there ever was. eversince 3 years ago. i know that right now all u want is to forget about me and everything, but i won't. you gave me a reason for every single thing i do. you were my life and u still are.
~
so tadaaaaa. Intensive hasn't been intensive,at all. Maths is the only subject that really got people working. especially the probability. ahhahha paling senang but paling membingitkan if i can't get it right. so far, Alhamdullilah i got it.
signing up for BMC intensive programme this Sunday. $170.10 plus $84 = $254.10 to get by this sunday. wahahahhahahahahahha. ok i think i owe my parents like alot of money and all. sooo haha. after olvl kalau kejer, all the money goes to my parents lah basically.
raincheck for now.
Izan left for Melaka. won't be going to Town or Bugis or Vivo with the grls (i think). don't really feel up to it. and my dad's birthday is coming. despite it all, he is still my dad.
going to spend time alone with Rogue next week. for once, without Arriyan. hahaha. maaf Yan.
~
didn't get to go to the Akira Warehouse sale again because i was too tired to even think or walk straight by the time i got home just now. i slept. soooooo maaf yer Rith tak dapat beli perabot rumah. hahahahhahaha. and no, i'm not talking about telephones this time. =)
i feel restless and very very very hntah. i feel like doing sumting for the heck of it and something very much aimless.
i dread going to Bedok and facing my relatives. don't get me wrong, i love them, but everyone is superficial and everyone likes to compare, i accept that, but usually i can pretend that i don't give a fcuk about them but now? i'm too tired to care about their feelings and how they always bring me down every single time my results are not as good as my cousin's. i might prolly fake sickness or sumting to get out of the BBQ thing. or maybe wish sickness upon myself.
hah.
~
moving to my new blog soon. it's time to shut down this blog.
Withlove,
8:05 PM
